Coffee has never been as delicious.

Today I was depressed most of the day feeling down about my body, breastsize and having a messed up life history and being at an inadvantage to rap in the language of my home country and hating that I was not brought up bilingually and biculturally etc. etc. as usual (I must have too low serotonin levels or something to always have this hatred?). At one point I even had all my jogging wear on me, but didn't end up going jogging because I remembered how even back in 2012 when my body was superfit I had a guy who just spent his time telling how hot other women are (less than giving me compliments) and telling how he'd so like to grab this or that woman's breasts instead -> conclusion: Doesn't matter if I am fitter, without breasts I will remain unattractive anyway and it's unimportant then how great the rest of my body is or isn't. So I covered my face with my hands and stayed in bed avoiding the world even if it was a nice warm summerday, until...

At 17:30 decided to get up just because my fave rap group was doing a free gig in one scray neighbourhood. As Eesti people usually, of course they are handsome too but most of them taken and the one who is an ace of an MC and who sometimes chats with me and doesn't seem to be taken was not on stage today, so nothing interesting to tell about that flirt-wise. When it was time for Koit Toome (imagine the laughter wjen my fave rap group said: "we want to thank the great Koit Toome who is next! Give applaus for Koit Toome!" :D

Afterwards I went to Latvian restaurant to eat the most perfect Latvian meal - salmon šašliks, stewed sauerkraut and kečups, with water mixed with lime and cranberries. I am in full love with Latvian cuisine because it makes me feel home, while it might not be the most refined haute cuisine of the world or something. Anyway it is very dear to me no matter how heavy it is.

In the same shopping centre there is that one coffee place (see previous post) and I was contemplating so hard if I should go get coffee once again. I decided that yes!
It felt awkward to pop up there, as we both obviously have a huge crush on each other (it is seen from everything), so.. I just went with a huge smile, nervous as usual, took some time to choose a coffee. He once again took pauses to look at me:) And we talked, I told him about having done some rap and maybe continuing, about how I went to a concert now, how dangerous Kopli seemed to me, I asked him if he knows the band Instrumenti... He asked me to like his cafe on FB and asked me my name. And asked me why in Latvia every word ends in "-s". Well fact is that roughly half of words end in "-s", that is, everything that is male, and things that are considered to be male.
Well. Once again this was HUGE flirt all the way. No doubts. No doubts he will probably soon ask me out. But still, "in a relationship" and has a kid. What the hell is going on with the relationship?
I was thinking I'd send him one song of Instrumenti, saying "Hey this is the Latvian band I talked about. Also rather suitable lyrics". And the lyrics are like "I am ready to be sick with you as long as you are the medicine to heal me". But I didn't send it yet - I'll first wait until tomorrow if he contacts me first now that he knows my full name. I mean... My LV self tells me: you wait for the man to take initiative. My Finnish self may say the contrary, but I usually trust my LV side more...

 This I mean.

Of course, if we will proceed to a date, before that I will ask him extra details about his relationship status. I really don't want to be a secret lover or a third wheel.

Today I wore light orange pants with a pink belt and a white shirt. Very plain. Very uncommon also as I don't wear pants usually due to my ass not fitting into pants sold in stores.... Well, even if I was dressed this plain, I got some attention in the street and in the tram. But nothing that would have developed into a conversation.

Ok some of my Finnish friends might now be like "why is she just thinking of finding a man everytime she goes out". My answer is: might even be better this way than in nightclubs. And it's nice and in Baltics flirtation is the norm kinda... And single guys really might be looking for the girl of their life in any  daytime situation as opposed to only bars and internet like back in my country of birth. And  I know, it can be hard to understand, if you live in a different culture.

And this flirtation every time I am out is beneficial to me, because it makes me feel like maybe I am not so bad after all. I may feel like I am so ugly I cannot reach up to any standard, but then I go out and get attention and have the feeling that "okay so if there was someone showing interest maybe it means I won't have to be single all my life, it's just a matter of time" and that comforts me somewhat.

I don't put any hopes into internet dating, esp. as it is not popular at all in the countries I live in. But I do have an OKC still and take a look there. I changed my profile completely yesterday. I made it more concise and told already in the first paragraph that I am looking for a traditional relationship, a man who would like to have a family in the future and where I take care of that family" or stuff like that. I didn't expect but I started getting more messages... From the US, mainly. So... doesn't help much. I will not for the life of me be willing to move to the US. Anyway, one guy said "we'd have beautiful kids", and I agreed, he was a really handsome American, but he was 12 years older than me and seemed very disappointed in his experiences with exes and life (err well, I am too... But I will try to work on it...)

There is also a guy from Germany with whom I chat since half a year, even on Skype video chat. No sexy skyping though as we both rather save it to the real moment. He looks like my dream, we have many languages in common and he speaks 6, he also likes rap (even if we don't always have the same language areas in this) and electro, and he is also into God, and also has become that recently, like me. It is really great. We're planning a trip either way, he to my place or me to his. But there is one BUT. I would not like to move to a foreign country for a man's sake anymore in my life. I did that once to the Netherlands and it's the worst decision I've done to date. I really don't know what I should do about it. Even when I've told him that I want to take a break from men, or that I am down, he has been great at comforting me, listening to me and really caring. He's also genuinely interested in European cultures like me. And he's also got a colourful background. We speak Italian because he's lived in Milan age 13-24. But he is Romanian, and now lives in Germany like I said. Damn he's sweet. But I feel like i've finally foudn my dimension and the life that suits me in LV. I really see it as my home. I'd find it sad to leave and move to a place where I am not attached to the local culture and things around me in the same way. I am very proud of LV and everything that belongs to it...! (No he's not willing to move to LV).

Tomorrow I need to do some serious work (wish me luck) and I'll also go to church in LV language. That helps. I don't think now of if I will see LV hotties there, but simply the feeling that I can go listen in LV language (which for me is easier than Estonian, and the LV church rituals feel somehow warmer and more community-oriented to me than the Nordic or Estonian ones) and collect some forces in going forward with life, trying to improve in different areas. But of course not that I'd be against meeting some people there too.